I wanted to post because I know it’s been a while since my last post. As a lot of people know the last two months have been difficult for me and I’ve moved out of my parents house and I’m currently living in a respite temporarily. I’ve been getting lots of support from social services to help me to open my own bank account, and they are trying to find me a place in supported living.
It’s all been scary at times and challenging but I feel that I’m getting used to my new way of living and learning to be more independent slowly. I think it’s all quite positive at the moment.
What happened was my parents didn’t want me to move out ever and they didn’t want me to take my money from benefits with me. I started getting threats and it was quite nasty. Social services told me it was emotional abuse and helped to get me out of there.
I hope to get back to posting my videos soon. I deleted all previous videos because I was worried that they were so public and I wanted to try to safe.
I am hoping this year will be much better than last year, and I will make progress with things. I am very grateful to all my friends and family members that have been supportive and been there for me.
In this post I want to talk a bit about mindfulness. I think mindfulness can be a very useful and helpful thing to try if you are struggling or depression is giving you a hard time. I know what it’s like when depression makes you feel down about yourself because it seems like the simplest of things are difficult to do, and it’s easy to beat yourself up. I feel this way sometimes.
This week has been a difficult week and a number of times I have felt like I would be better off just giving up. Sometimes I find it difficult to admit there is a problem and accept help. I prefer to pretend like everything is fine and just carry on with things.
I sometimes like to try mindfulness. I find that quite often my head gets a bit ‘cluttered’ and it’s difficult for me to focus. I like to sometimes do something as simple as sitting on a bench and listening to the sound of the trees, cars passing by, people making noises, etc. For a few minutes I can just relax and all the thoughts and noise in my head quiten down and disappear. Also, when I’m eating I try to sometimes slow down, and really taste everything I’m putting in my mouth, and notice the different textures. I can enjoy food better that way.
I don’t do mindfulness that much but when I do it can feel really rewarding and like it helps, even if it’s only just for a little while. I recommend that if you are like me and you suffer from depression or you feel like your head gets a bit cluttered sometimes, you give mindfulness a try.
I realised I haven’t posted in months now so I just want to say a quick hello and let you all know I am still here. This year has been difficult for me. I’ve been struggling with my depression and I’m still spending a lot of time at home. My Grandad suddenly passed away in March and I’ve been missing him lots. It’s the first time I’ve lost a grandparent and I wasn’t prepared for it at all. I’ve started to see a social worker because I want to move out of my family home and I need some help with that, or to at least know what my options are. I’m going to meet my advocate for the first time next week. An advocate is someone who can help represent my views and wishes.
Anyway, I’m sorry it’s been such a long time since I’ve posted but it’s just been a difficult year so far. I will try to post occasionally if I can.
I just want to let you all know what is going on with me at the moment. I have debated whether to say anything or not, but I just want to be honest.
As you all know I suffer with Selective Mutism. People with SM can also have depression.
Lately things have been quite hard and dark for me. My depression has got quite bad and I have been struggling.
I decided that I can’t record any videos for a while and I might not write as many blog posts whilst things are so difficult me. I want to be able to help people but I don’t feel able to do that when I am so mentally and emotionally ill.
I hope you all understand. I just wanted to let you all know why I might not be so active in some places anymore.
I hope things will get better at some point but right now that is how everything is.
Thank you for reading this.
When I think of the word Christmas I have mixed feelings. I like Christmas but at the same time it can be a hard day for me.
I find it hard because there are people watching me opening presents, waiting for my reaction. I try to smile and act happy but it is hard. I am grateful for all the gifts I receive but it is hard for me to show it. I think other people with SM feel the same.
I want to be happy but the truth is neither depression or anxiety take a day off, even if it Christmas. I can’t just choose what day to be happy. It doesn’t work like that.
But I will try my best to have a nice Christmas this year, just like every other year.
I find myself reflecting a lot on this past year. I volunteered at a charity shop, left, and now I have just started volunteering at a new charity shop. It is like a new beginning. Also this year I started recording videos of myself speaking about SM on YouTube. I created a Facebook group and did some live videos. And I started blogging here. I am very grateful to everyone that has supported me this year.
I hope you all have a lovely Christmas. For those of you who struggle, I hope you get through the day okay.