Lately I’ve been struggling with dermatillomania. I’ve had problems with picking my nails and skin for years. At first it was just nail picking but then I started picking at my skin. I’ve done it when I’m stressed or unhappy and its become a really bad habit. After a while it got so bad I started to bleed in places and get wounds. At the moment I’ve been getting stressed and I feel like I want to look ‘perfect’ and so I’m picking at spots and skin and my nails. It just seems to be getting worse instead of better. I try wearing nail polish most of the time which helps so I don’t pick my nails but I still will pick my skin. I know I need to learn to try to treat myself better somehow because it’s just becoming a problem now.
I wanted to post because I know it’s been a while since my last post. As a lot of people know the last two months have been difficult for me and I’ve moved out of my parents house and I’m currently living in a respite temporarily. I’ve been getting lots of support from social services to help me to open my own bank account, and they are trying to find me a place in supported living.
It’s all been scary at times and challenging but I feel that I’m getting used to my new way of living and learning to be more independent slowly. I think it’s all quite positive at the moment.
What happened was my parents didn’t want me to move out ever and they didn’t want me to take my money from benefits with me. I started getting threats and it was quite nasty. Social services told me it was emotional abuse and helped to get me out of there.
I hope to get back to posting my videos soon. I deleted all previous videos because I was worried that they were so public and I wanted to try to safe.
I am hoping this year will be much better than last year, and I will make progress with things. I am very grateful to all my friends and family members that have been supportive and been there for me.
I watched a documentary today about a man with autism, who works on the TV show Springwatch. In the documentary he talks about autism and his life. He also goes to America and meets people who want to find a ‘cure’ for autism. When I watched this part I found it uncomfortable and difficult to watch. Children with autism were being forced to change their behaviours to try to make them ‘normal’.
Personally if someone asked me if I wanted to be ‘cured’ I would say no. On difficult days I might think yes because I would want it all to stop, but if I didn’t have autism and Selective Mutism I think I might be a completely different person. There are definitely difficult things I have to deal with but then there are some positives. I don’t think I would be as compassionate or intelligent without having had some of the experiences I’ve had. I’ve learned to listen, be kind, and make my own decisions. I am not the same as everyone else and I like it that way. I think it would be boring if everyone was the same. I’m still a person just like everyone else. I’m not an animal to be tested on or tamed.
I can understand people with high functioning autism to maybe want a cure, but everyone should be allowed a choice.
In this post I want to talk a bit about mindfulness. I think mindfulness can be a very useful and helpful thing to try if you are struggling or depression is giving you a hard time. I know what it’s like when depression makes you feel down about yourself because it seems like the simplest of things are difficult to do, and it’s easy to beat yourself up. I feel this way sometimes.
This week has been a difficult week and a number of times I have felt like I would be better off just giving up. Sometimes I find it difficult to admit there is a problem and accept help. I prefer to pretend like everything is fine and just carry on with things.
I sometimes like to try mindfulness. I find that quite often my head gets a bit ‘cluttered’ and it’s difficult for me to focus. I like to sometimes do something as simple as sitting on a bench and listening to the sound of the trees, cars passing by, people making noises, etc. For a few minutes I can just relax and all the thoughts and noise in my head quiten down and disappear. Also, when I’m eating I try to sometimes slow down, and really taste everything I’m putting in my mouth, and notice the different textures. I can enjoy food better that way.
I don’t do mindfulness that much but when I do it can feel really rewarding and like it helps, even if it’s only just for a little while. I recommend that if you are like me and you suffer from depression or you feel like your head gets a bit cluttered sometimes, you give mindfulness a try.